June 21, 2o16 Tuesday, Sometime around 1:00 to 3:06 PM
What is up with that crazy long, detailed yet un-detailed title? Well I wanted to sum up how I’m feeling at the moment and the only way to do that in my opinion was finding a title that summed things up pretty nicely, and for me this title does just that. In ENG 121 I learned how important titles are and now I’m actually wondering what my professor would think of it. Well, he will probably never see it so I guess it doesn’t matter. Regardless it wouldn’t matter. Anyway, I truthfully here to lay my feelings on the page.
“Let’s mutually decide to end things.” Is the summary of last night’s talk with my ex. So as it is now: I am single as a Pringle, not ready to mingle, but ready to find my independence. Ready to find self love, self worth. Ready to learn how to be happy in being alone, to be happy with myself, in myself. I am ready to grow as a person, to become more confident, to show myself just how much I can accomplish and just how little I need someone to do so.
The purpose of this blog is to capture my feelings, my thoughts and whatever comes to mind when I think about my ex, or our relationship. But I must warn you, it is not just your typical break up blog. Oh no! In it I hope you will find a girl who desperately wants to find her self. Who is actively trying to know who she is, who wants to love herself more, to be happy when alone, to be happy period. I hope you will find a girl who is changing, who is becoming more mature after a few of these blogs. Well after a month of these blogs. Don’t get me wrong, there will be setbacks but that is life, and I will blog about every set back but also every accomplishment and every victory. I will stay true and honest with you and with myself. I will convey my feelings effectively to myself and to the world, even if no one reads this but me.
You see, I am trying to find something here. “What is it?” You may ask while already knowing the answer. Myself. That is what I want to find out. Who am I? Who am I when I am in the presence of others? Who am I when I am alone? when I am happy? frustrated? excited? angry? sad? dejected? Who am I when I am hurt? When I feel pity for myself? When I am reflecting? Who am I when I have to make difficult decisions? Who am I when I have to make choices for myself? Who am I without him? Who am I alone? Who am I when I am by myself, in my head, truly alone?
Some of those I already know the answer. if I think back to the times when I have felt some of those feelings and/or emotions I have a good idea. But I don’t want to think back, I will relive. I will know now in the present what type of person I am. I will know myself better than anyone and develop a sense of accomplishment, a sense of self. Why am I stressing this need for independence, self love and self so much?
Well for roughly 19 months myself, who I am, or was has been stripped away. That was how long my ex and I dated for. I don’t mean to make this sound like he stripped me of my being, because simply put: he did not. Actually I did it to myself. My world revolved around him. There was no space. Literally I gave the poor guy no space. So I was just his girlfriend. All I could think about was him. All that was….was him. That is a bit of an exaggeration, but one that cuts it a little too close to the truth. Even writing it now I feel embarrassed, ashamed, saddened by that fact. Well I can either sulk in my embarrassment, shame and sadness or I can do something about it. This blog is my effort to change these things, to become a better person. To be more mindful of who I am, in and out of the presence of others. I really do hope that I accomplish my goals. I WILL accomplish these goals.
For today, I will discuss what I learned from my relationship. Insight will be shed on my experience, but everything I learned I assure you will be positive even if they have arisen from negative experiences.
- The necessity of space. If ever I am in another relationship, I will certainly emphasize to myself and my partner how important space is. For one, space allows both individuals to have free time, time to work on themselves, to develop individually, to think about the relationship, and time to miss the other person. My mistake here was not giving my ex any space. I coddled him, I wouldn’t let him breathe. He was a fish and I was the ocean. Ever consuming and all encompassing. Honestly, I don’t know what I was thinking now that I look back on it. I was so unfair to him. Although he asked me several times for space I because offended and insulted by it. How I thought about love was very unrealistic mind you. I was under the impression that love was always wanting to be with someone. Day in and day out. Never growing tired of their presence. Always being together, creating memories and doing all of these romantic things. But NO. Just know. It is so crazy to me now, how I couldn’t understand how important space was for him and for me. Now I would give anything to give him the space he so rightfully deserved, instead of getting hurt over the fact that he was being honest and asking for it in the first place. You see, asI said earlier I took it as an insult. So of course, because I thought of him asking for space as as a negative thing I wanted to get back at him for it, obviously I because I was hurt. Let me explain what I mean by “get back at him” before you misunderstand me. Well I wanted to show him, show him how much space I could give him. I was upset, angered by the fact that my man, my man! was even thinking about having space, or getting away from me. You know why? Because I thought of it as meaning he wanted to get away from me, he didn’t want to be with me, he didn’t care for me, he didn’t love me. But that wasn’t true. Because the fact that he was even being honest with me and telling me how he felt and trying to save our relationship meant that he did care for me. He didn’t want to get tired of me, he wanted to miss me, he didn’t want to find me annoying. And in order to do so, all he needed was some space. Now I understand it. I promise you! Now I get it, because now I have space from him because there is no other choice so now I get to see first hand the benefits of having space. And I see now, how important it is. How it allows you to grow, get time to yourself, work on yourself, be independent, be confident in yourself and just love yourself more. If I had known I would have actually given him space…Well back to me wanting to “get back at him.” Me getting back involved me not really talking to him, and sinking into myself, into my head, into my hurt feelings. And of course he would try to make it better, we would make up and I would find myself going to bed (ACTUALLY SLEEPING) with him at night and feeling so warm, so happy in his arms that space was all but forgotten until the next time it was brought up. And each time the same process continued, over and over again. A cycle. That is not to say that there were not times where I genuinely tried, because there was. However I was trying for the wrong reasons, meaning I was trying to get back at him and “show him how much space I could give him.” On top of that I was trying out of hurt, anger, spite. So, naturally it did not work, and I kept believing that space was a negative thing. But rest assured. I am happy to have learned the importance of space in any relationship. Humans are social animals, but we are not meant to be with someone around the clock 24/7. We all need our space, to recuperate, to get our energy back, to think about the day, to give ourselves back the time that we have lost. Well, I know that I cannot leave this lesson learned without giving you a solid apology for my actions. This is no excuse, but now that I know what space is and why it is necessary, I want to let you know that I genuinely did not understand it’s importance, thought of it as negative and was hurt by the very idea of it. So when you asked for it my hurt led me astray. But I apologize. I am very sorry for not being able to grant you that request, I hope you know how much I mean this, how much I really have learned about it and just how sorry I truly am to take something so important from you.
2. The difference between dependence, independence and codependence: Throughout our relationship, one of the theme problems that became very important was independence/dependence. In short, I was way too dependent, too demanding. I was just too much. Writing this out now, I realize how exhausting I must have come off and again I apologize. But I am happy that I got to learn a lot from this. When you told me I was too dependent I was yet again offended. I didn’t want to be “too dependent,” especially on a guy. So once again I was angered, and insulted. To me “too dependent” equated to clingy and we all know what they say about clingy people: they are annoying, too much to handle, they are just not wanted. So yes, I hated when you said I was too dependent and needed to be more independent. The fact of the matter is this: I believe that I am extremely independent, I pay for my phone bill, my school housing, I do a lot of things for myself. However, the problem with me is, when I become close to someone I want them to do everything, with me or for me. That is horrible I know. I did not realize that until recently. I know it’s not fair and I don’t plan on doing it in the future. I plan on learning from these mistakes, trust me. But because you helped me out, and came through for me several times this attitude was reinforced. I continued to ask for things. I wanted to get back every time you told me I was being too dependent, I wanted to defend myself and made it a point to try and do everything on my own in an angry way. Which of course did not help the situation, it actually hurt it. So once more apologies for that. For being too much, too soon, all at once. I am happy that I learned this about myself though, because now I can fix it, change it, address it and become more independent. But that is not to say that when I need advice I won’t seek help, which I would define as codependence, however I will not seek help for everything. It got to a point where I was asking you to make decisions for me. WOW! I cannot believe it got so bad. I was wrapped up, with the wool over my eyes. I couldn’t see all these wrong things I was doing until now. Now that I have space and time to reflect on it! But yeah I am sorry for that. For asking you to make decisions such as which chip I should choose. That was completely unnecessary and overboard, and quite frankly I clearly did not need your opinion for something so simple. Wow, I really do apologize for that as well. Thank God when you recently said it I stopped because I realized i really shouldn’t be doing that. But again I don’t know what I was thinking even doing that. Clearly something was wrong with me but I am happy that I can see what was wrong now. Not to worry I will work on my independence when I am around others, because I am truly independent when I am alone because I have no other choice. But now I will trust in myself, trust in my opinions, my decisions and my choices. I will stop seeking validation. I am generally indecisive, but not really. I know what it is that I want, sometimes it is just easier to not choose and then have to face the outcome or consequences especially if it will taste bad, or if it may be bad. Now I know though. I will be completely dependent on myself, stop using “I don’t know” as an easy way out, and start making my decisions boldly. If I make a choice I will declare it, if there are bad consequences I will face it. Either way I have no choice. I saw somewhere that it is OK to ask for advice or get other people’s opinions but you should value yours more, and go with your own opinion. That is what I need to do. I clearly just valued your opinions over my own and sought constant validation from you, which is not a good thing at all. I am happy now that I have realized these things, in a more mature, non angry or insulted way. I will continue to listen to myself, make better choices and just do better!
3. Communication Is Key: Of course this is one of the most important things in a relationship. Honestly, you taught me to communicate effectively my feelings. Before I never shared my feelings, I usually avoid confrontation but you forced me to speak up and spit it out and for that I am grateful and thankful. I am not saying I am pro at speaking out how I feel, by no means! But I know that I am far better at holding a hurtful or angry conversation without crying or not talking and withdrawing into myself. I can be more confident and speak up about how I feel and that is something I will continue working on because that is always something good to be able to do. The other side of this lesson comes from you. Honestly at first, I thought you were a really good communicator, but I was only comparing it to my communication skills. However, after my communication skills improved I realized that you weren’t very good at saying what you felt and being honest about it. At least even after I forced out what I had to say, little by little I would tell the truth. But you sugar coated things and that is no good. I understand that in the moment you were trying to protect my feelings, but in the long run it hurt us both. You because you were saying one thing and feeling another, and me because I believed the things you were saying and went along with it, and that only reinforced my unrealistic ideas. I know you will work on yourself in this department as well. Just remember that you should always try to be honest especially when someone is asking you to tell them your feelings or asking you to be honest like I have done countless times. Just be. Just say what you have to say. Don’t hold back, just be truthful, it will make you feel a whole lot better in the end and even if it hurts the person in the moment, you can help them understand what you mean and help them through it. At least they won’t have to live a lie right? Also with that I have to add that you taught me that how you say things and how you come across to people really makes a difference in how they want to approach you, how much they say to you and how much they tell you. Most of the times when I wanted to hear what you thought about us truthfully you always looked tired. Or like you didn’t care, or you didn’t want to. So can you blame me for not wanting to tell you how I truly felt at times. I guess the same logic can be applied to you when it comes to me. You didn’t want to hurt me, or upset me, so you hid the truth from me. But one thing I can say is even when you looked tired or like you didn’t care I pressed on because I DID care. If anything this taught me that it is important to be honest with others, to say how you feel because that helps your relationship and it helps you have a piece of mind.
4. Trust & Loyalty: Flashback to the night where I was sitting on your bed, your phone in my hand. You are asleep in your boxers and nothing else, and I am scrunched in the corner reading your messages. That night was a night of realization, sadness, betrayal and hurt for me. I was reading your group messages with the guys and you were saying all of these sexual things about girls. To be quite honest I was disgusted. At the messages, at you for initiating these conversations, at me for being with you. I don’t even know if it still makes me disgusted because right now we aren’t together so what is the point. Overall though it was disgusting, it is disgusting. Unbeknownst to me I trusted you and didn’t believe that you talked sexually that way about girls that were not me. Boy was I wrong because I found several messages proving that you did. The next day I was done. I wanted to end things right there but my friend was able to come me down. To make me relax and I was able to see that for whatever reason I still cared about this relationship. So we were able to salvage our relationship that night, with a lot of pulling and tugging on my part. But I have to say after that day my trust in you had faltered. Whenever I would go somewhere and see a girl with a big butt it made me feel extremely self conscious because I would think “That’s the kind of girl he would message his friends about, describing how many sexual things he would do to her.” It made me feel like shit honestly, and I would compare myself to other girls. This is the best way to explain what you did to me: By saying all those things, secretly, it made me feel as though you weren’t satisfied with me. You weren’t satisfied with what you had, and because I didn’t have those features that you apparently wanted there was nothing I could do. If a horse is looking for a lake of water and I only have a bottle what can I do? I have always loved my body, felt confident about it and even though I exaggerated sometimes “saying my stomach is fat”or something along those lines, I knew it was a pretty stomach, I knew that I would rather have my body over anyone else’s and I knew that my body was beautiful. But you made me doubt that. So when I came to Kentucky I wanted to work on those features. Not so much for myself, but for you. To make you content. To make you love my body and me the same way I do. I wanted you to think of me more so than you thought of those strangers. I just wanted you to be attracted to me because I was feeling very self conscious about my body because of that. I have finally admitted to myself that part of the reason I started working out was for you. But now I can say that I really don’t believe that to be true anymore. I love my body. I really truly do. Whether you can see the beauty in it or not is not my concern. I am beautiful the way I am. I have long legs, a flat stomach, a small chest, and a small tight butt. There are certain things I want to add and that is why I am working out. But at the end of the day it is for me. It is no longer for you and what you think, it is no longer to make you satisfied. Working out will give me what I want and make me feel more confident in my body! So I am excited to see those results. Anyway, I learned how important trust and loyalty is and without that it is hard to develop anything else. Because after that I really did think of you differently. I felt more insecure and I just couldn’t trust that you wouldn’t be checking out and wanting to sleep with every girl you saw. But that is besides the point now. I am happy that I can say I am not working out for you, that it is for me. I am happy that I don’t have to worry about trust issues with you, or wondering if you’re talking about some girl because you probably are but it doesn’t matter because you are not disrespecting me because we are no longer a pair. But yes, trust is an extremely important foundation that I wouldn’t feel right going without.
Right now, that is all the lessons I have learned from the negative things that have happened. Of course there is more that I have learned but I can’t sit here all day typing or racking my brains. What I want to say though is that you also have to learn how to communicate better, be honest, loyal, not be so childish as well, learn how to give feedback and take it, and learn how to work on yourself too. The whole time in the relationship it felt as though I was the only one always working on something or doing something wrong. Whenever you did something wrong you didn’t know how to accept it or work on it. You would say that you would work on it but it seemed like you were just saying that to get it over with, and like you really didn’t care. Whatever it was though you have to work on that. But we all have things we have to work on, but the sooner we start the better we will feel and the better we will be. That is what I am realizing.
I want to thank you for this relationship. If I were to sum it up in two word I would say “learning experience.” And that is exactly what it has been. A great learning experience. I believe that I have experienced more positives than negatives with you and obviously you feel the same whether you choose to admit it or not, or you would not want to continue being friends! But needless to say, but it will still be said, you have become my best friend. I have told you things that will never grace the ears of most other people, even if they are my friends. And you know what? I don’t regret that at all. And you know what else? I hope after we give each other the time we need that we can meet back up and still be able to laugh, joke around and just have fun with one another. I hope that we can still be friends, and confide in each other. That we can relay our lows and our highs. I hope that this doesn’t ruin us, and I just know it won’t because we truthfully ended on a high note and that makes me happy and it makes me smile. I love you, and I don’t mean in the romantic way, I mean as my friend. My first real best friend. I love you and I will always be there for you, even if you just want to gripe, even if you just want a hug, or to talk, or whatever you need, you know I am there for you and that I always will be, because you have been there for me countless times. The next time we communicate with each other I hope to be a far better person. I hope to really have changed the things I set out to change today. Hopefully you will see a change in me as well! Who knows? But truthfully as long as I see it in myself I will be happy. I just know that I will have to take this month day by day, but honestly I don’t mind. I know it will be challenging accomplishing all these things, but I also know that I am strong, and extremely capable, and extremely willing. Therefore, I will do it.
I plan on reaching out to you in a month’s time. I feel as though that will give us some time to organize ourselves and get used to this new change. Not only that we will both get some time away from each other, some space, without communication. So in a month’s time I will check in with you friend, I will ask how you’ve been, I will ask if you got into the Hospital of Special Surgery, look at that I finally got it! But until then, I know you will keep being cool, and continue doing your thing. I will keep doing my thing to. I will focus my energy on working here and working out, as well as working on strengthening myself. I will also buy my GRE book and start studying. There is so much that I have to do that sometimes I don’t even know how my mind wanders back to you haha. Well it’s OK even if I start to think about you, I will be honest to myself about how I am feeling, and try to jot it down here. Let’s remain best friends, because I love you and no matter what we’ve been through so much together and seen each other at our worst moments but also at our height of achievement. I love you dearly my friend, and I will work on being strong, independent, and continue loving life and loving who I am. I just know that this is for the best, everything within me is saying so!
Always and Forever,
Me ❤ 🙂 3:06 pm
Diary of a Learning To be Independent Woman 